Toddler Withholding Their Poo? Why It Happens and What Helps

Your toddler goes stiff. They go up on their toes, cross their legs, or hide behind the couch. You ask if they need to do a poo and you get a very firm no. Then two days later there is a poo that makes everyone cry.

If this is your house right now, your child is not being difficult. This is poo withholding, and it is one of the most common things that comes up during toilet learning. A prospective study of 482 children found that around one in five refused to poo in the toilet at some point during toilet training, and that refusal and holding on travel together: of the children who developed stool withholding, 80% were also refusing the toilet (Taubman, 1997).

Here is what is actually happening, and what helps.

What poo withholding is

Poo withholding, sometimes called stool withholding or stool toileting refusal, is when a child feels the urge to go and deliberately stops it. They clench, they arch, they hold on.

The important part is why. It is almost never about control or defiance. It is nearly always fear. Somewhere along the line a poo hurt, or was frightening, or was very big, and your child’s brain filed that away as something to avoid. This is a two-year-old applying very sensible logic: last time hurt, so this time I will not let it happen.

The trouble is that the logic backfires. When poo stays in the bowel, the body keeps absorbing water from it. The poo gets harder and bigger. When it finally comes out, it hurts more. The fear gets worse, so the holding gets worse. This is the withholding cycle, and once a child is in it, willpower and reasoning will not get them out of it. The cycle has to be broken physically first.

What sets it off

A few things trigger it more than anything else.

One painful poo. This is the big one. A bout of gastro, a stretch of hot weather with not enough water, or a small tear from a very large poo is enough to start it.

Toilet learning itself. For some children, the expectation of doing a poo somewhere new is enough to make them hold on.

Something changing. Starting childcare, a new baby, moving house, a holiday, or illness can all knock a routine sideways.

Toilets away from home. Loud hand dryers, big toilets, no privacy, a different smell. Plenty of children hold on all day at childcare and then arrive home uncomfortable and cranky.

Sensory differences. Autistic and other neurodivergent children hold on more often. Reduced awareness of internal body signals, sensitivity to the bathroom environment, and a narrower diet can all make it more likely.

Being busy. Sometimes they are just absorbed in play, they ignore the urge, and the moment passes.

Signs to look for

The withholding posture is the clearest one, and it is easy to misread as pushing. Your child stands rigid, clenches their bottom, crosses their legs, arches their back, goes up on tiptoes, or rocks. It is sometimes called the banana bend. They are not straining. They are holding on with everything they have.

Other things worth noticing:

•          Suddenly stopping play, going quiet, or disappearing behind furniture

•          Saying they do not need to go while doing the posture

•          Asking for a nappy specifically to do a poo

•          Poos that are hard, pellet-like, very large, or painful

•          Small smears or skid marks in undies in a child who is otherwise toilet trained

•          Tummy aches, a smaller appetite, or general crankiness

•          Wee accidents or sudden urgency, because a full bowel presses on the bladder

If your child is four or older and regularly soiling their undies, that is worth a GP visit. It is usually overflow soiling, where soft poo leaks around a hard blockage. Your child cannot feel it happening and cannot stop it. It is a medical situation, not a behavioural one.

What actually helps

1. Soften the poo first, before anything else.

This is the single most important step, and it is the one families most often skip while they focus on behaviour. Nothing else works until poos are soft and comfortable. The target is a poo that is soft and sausage-shaped and comes out without straining, types 3 and 4 on the Bristol Stool Chart 

If diet and water alone are not getting you there, talk to your GP. International paediatric guidelines list polyethylene glycol, sold in Australia as Movicol Paediatric Plain, as the first choice for constipation in children (Tabbers et al., 2014). It is not a stimulant, it is not habit-forming, and it works by drawing water into the bowel. Those same guidelines note that treatment usually needs to run for at least two months, and often longer. Stopping too early is the most common reason things relapse. Check with your GP or child health nurse before starting a treatment such as this. 

2. Take the pressure off completely.

If withholding has started during toilet learning, pause. Go back to nappies for poos if that is what your child wants. This feels like going backwards and it is not. In Taubman’s study among the children whose training was interrupted and who went back to nappies, 24 out of 27 began using the toilet for poos on their own within 3 months. 

3. Use the body’s own timing.

The bowel is naturally more active for about 20 to 30 minutes after eating. That is the gastrocolic reflex, and it is why after-breakfast is the best sit of the day. Aim for three to five minutes, sitting only, no expectation of a result.

Make the sit comfortable and stable. Feet flat on a sturdy step stool with knees a little higher than hips is the position that makes poo easiest to pass. A child dangling their feet is working against themselves.

Use a timer so your child knows exactly when it ends. Uncertainty is what makes sitting feel scary.

Give them a book to read, like Binkie Bear's Magical Potty Adventure, to help them relax or a fidget toy to play with .   

4. Praise the sitting, not the poo.

Reward effort. Sat down, stayed for the timer, tried. That is the win. If the reward only comes with a poo, you have added performance pressure to something already loaded with fear.

Sticker charts work well here for exactly this reason. They give a child something to feel proud of on the days nothing happens.

5. Watch your language.

A randomised controlled trial found that when parents used only positive language about poo, avoiding words like yucky, smelly and disgusting, refusal resolved faster (Taubman, Blum & Nemeth, 2003). Poo is normal. Everybody does it. That is the tone.

Blowing bubbles during a sit is also a genuinely useful trick. It relaxes the child and gets the abdominal muscles working at the same time.

6. Get everyone on the same page.

Grandparents, educators, babysitters. One adult applying pressure while another stays relaxed will undo weeks of progress. Give people the specific instruction: she sits after breakfast with a book for five minutes, and if nothing happens we say 'well done for trying".

If your child will only poo in a nappy

Plenty of children will. The way through is gradual, and only once poos are already soft and pain-free. Nappy poos anywhere, then nappy poos in the bathroom, then sitting on the closed lid, then sitting on the open seat, then a nappy with a hole cut in it, then no nappy.

Move to the next stage only when your child is genuinely relaxed at the current one. Some stages take days and some take weeks. It is their pace, not yours.

When to call your GP

Sooner rather than later. The longer withholding runs, the more there is to undo. Book in if there is blood on the poo or the paper, if poos are painful or your child is straining and it is not settling within a week, if there are regular smears in undies, if your child is four or older and soiling, if they have gone a week or more without a proper poo, or if you are simply not making progress after two or three weeks at home.

Australian families can also get help through Continence Health Australia, and your GP can refer on to a paediatrician, a continence nurse or a paediatric occupational therapist if needed.

The part to remember 

This resolves. It takes weeks, sometimes months, and it takes patience while the bowel recovers its normal tone. It does resolve. When poos stop hurting and nobody is cross about it, the fear fades on its own and children start using the toilet because there is no longer a reason not to.

They are not being stubborn, you likely have a child whose body had a bad experience and is trying to protect itself.

Once poos are soft and the fear has settled, a calm and predictable routine is what rebuilds confidence. Our Go Time, Potty Time Toilet Training System is built around exactly that: a simple daily rhythm, a reward chart that celebrates trying rather than performing, and steps a child can follow without being rushed. It is designed to support the routine side of toilet learning. It is not a treatment for constipation or withholding, and the medical piece should always come first.

This article is general information only and is not medical advice. Please see your GP or paediatrician about your own child.

•         

•          Taubman, B. (1997). Toilet training and toileting refusal for stool only: a prospective study. Pediatrics, 99(1), 54-58.

•          Taubman, B., Blum, N. J., & Nemeth, N. (2003). Stool toileting refusal: a prospective intervention targeting parental behavior. Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, 157(12), 1193-1196.

•          Tabbers, M. M., DiLorenzo, C., Berger, M. Y., et al. (2014). Evaluation and treatment of functional constipation in infants and children: evidence-based recommendations from ESPGHAN and NASPGHAN. Journal of Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, 58(2), 258-274.

•          ERIC, The Children’s Bowel & Bladder Charity. Stool withholding: why and how to stop a child holding poo. https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/stool-withholding/

•          Continence Health Australia. Bristol Stool Chart. https://www.continence.org.au/bristol-stool-chart

•          Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne. Kids Health Info: Constipation. https://www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/constipation/